When I’m Fine Isn’t Really Fine
Written by: Amanda White, LCSW
When asked “how are you?” in motherhood, most moms will respond with the expected response of “Good,” “Busy” or “Oh, I’m fine.” And sometimes these responses are true, but sometimes, “fine” means:
“I’m exhausted.”
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I haven’t had a real moment to myself in days.”
“I’m not sure why I’m so emotional lately.”
“I feel like I don’t know who I am.”
Motherhood often requires us to keep going even when we don’t feel “fine,” and life feels hard. Even when we are running on empty, breakfast still needs made, lunches still need packed, the house needs cleaned, laundry needs folded and kids need taken care of.
So we keep going—even when we don’t feel fine. But functioning and truly feeling okay are not the same thing. We need to recognize when our hard days are becoming a regular pattern for us in motherhood.
Signs that “fine” might not really be fine:
You feel exhausted almost all of the time. Even when you have opportunities to rest it does not come easy and you feel physically and emotionally drained.
Small things feel disproportionately overwhelming. A spilled cup or another question or request from your child feels like the thing that might make you lose it.
You’re withdrawing from people. Instead of connecting with friends and family, you stop responding, cancel plans or avoid doing things that you normally enjoy.
You’re more irritable than usual and find yourself snapping at the people you love most, including your children.
You’ve lost interest in things you would normally enjoy. Even things that used to re-charge you and help you feel better don’t sound appealing to you anymore.
You feel anxious and constantly “on.” Your mind won’t shut off with worries and a running to-do list of tasks you feel you need to complete.
You’re struggling to complete everyday responsibilities. Things that normally feel manageable to complete suddenly feel impossible.
You’re crying more often and feeling unusually emotional even over the smallest things.
You’re having persistent negative thoughts about yourself, such as feeling like you’re failing as a mom or that your kids would be better off without you.
You’re using alcohol, food, shopping or other addictive behaviors as an escape to cope with your stress and how you’re feeling.
Having just one of these experiences doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong. Motherhood can be hard and come with exhaustion, frustration, stress, bad days and emotional moments. The bigger question is asking yourself whether these experiences are persistent, getting worse, interfering with your daily life or feeling significantly different from your usual self. Do you have honest support and people in your life who you can really be honest with when you aren’t feeling “fine?”
If you recognize that “I’m fine” isn’t really “fine,” you don’t have to figure out what to do next all by yourself. Therapy can offer a safe and supportive space to slow down and honestly talk about what you’re carrying. You don’t have to wait until you’re falling apart to ask for support. Sometimes, recognizing that you’re not fine is reason enough to reach out, and a therapist can help you acknowledge your feelings and find new ways to cope with the emotions you’re experiencing.
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